Entry 18
Sisters, telepathy, weight versus levity, good omens
Yesterday was my sister’s birthday and on my drive home from the desert today, the shadow of the moon above me on the way, I thought about her a lot. It’s difficult for me to try to write about my family, especially my two sisters, because there are not enough words, and there is not enough time. But Carrie was born the week before I turned two and since that day she was always by my side with her wide eyes of blue hazel and soft light curls, in her quiet deviance, her subtle intensity, her unassuming mischievousness, her secret evil, I like to say; I always took the blame for her crimes because I was more overt—me, obviously evil. She always appeared so innocent.
When you spend 32 years of life together there is no need to speak. One flash of our eyes and we know exactly what the other is thinking. Usually this makes us laugh because my sister in her thoughts is very fucking funny. Outside of them she is too, but I have access to more, much more: lucky me. I love getting inside there, her brain, with one look, and then laughing.
Heaviness is not a purer or more real way to experience emotion. Deep emotion can also come in the form of levity, lightheartedness, ease. Intensity is usually an increase in the desire for the emotion itself, not the initial feeling that sparks it
I like believing in good omens. These can be whatever we decide, I think. When I walked out my front door the other day, a butterfly fluttered up in front of me and hovered there like it wanted to make sure I noticed. I did.